I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize