The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
