Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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