Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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