my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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