Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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