I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
