Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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