He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
