If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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