smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
