GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
