Porn is love you can see.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
