if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
