I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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