I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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