Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
