Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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