Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
where are you?
Hypothermia
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
