my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
