I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
