Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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