Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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