By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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