At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
