my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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