How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
