just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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