It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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