I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
