smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
