every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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