One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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