Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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