Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
