i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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