saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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