Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
