Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
