My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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