Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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