bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize