Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
