Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
