I cut my penus on the lid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
