my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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