Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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