You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
