it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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