I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
