i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
