How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
