Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
