I met the friendliest cop last night
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
