I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
