I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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