We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The air was thick with penises
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
