OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
