Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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