went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
