please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
