I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
