The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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