I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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