Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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