he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
