Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
