Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
